


expired

by sparkling_r3njun



Series: Sad Renjun [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, harry styles is mentioned a few times lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23332726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkling_r3njun/pseuds/sparkling_r3njun
Summary: foods come with an expiration date, do humans come with one too?
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Series: Sad Renjun [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672075
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	1. pro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sad, so here's a story to reflect my mood lol

Donghyuk wanted to know why things that were precious, innocent even went through so much pain. He wished he was like one of those characters from a comic who can see the time someone is going to die.

Renjun was on his mind but in a pain-filled way. All Donghyuk could see was blood, the thick, rich, crimson liquid as it pooled before him. 

The older's red eyes, puffy cheeks, and tear stains noticeable on the cold, limp body. 

But before that, here's the question. Do people, like fruits and foods, come with an expiration date? Do people expire?

Why did Renjun expire before he was supposed to? Was he supposed to at the time he did? Why did he leave them?


	2. one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "what am i now?"
> 
> "what am i now?"
> 
> "what if i'm someone i don't want around?"
> 
> "i'm falling again, i'm falling again, i'm falling."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suggested song; falling by harry styles

renjun laid in his bed, awake for the past hour, yet he hasn't moved an inch. he looked at the ceiling as his ears were void of any noise.

he felt like he was drowning. underwater. sinking deeper and deeper away from reality. the pain he felt in his chest covered by the throb on his forearms.

his head full of repeating thoughts. thoughts from the past 2 years. could he really do it? could he? did he have the strength to?

everything was interrupted by a ball of sunshine as the younger threw the door open.

"up and adam injunnie," he said as he yanked open the curtains.

renjun rolled out of his laying position and let his feet dangle off the bed.

"come on, get dressed we have things to do today,"donghyuk said as he grabbed renjun's covered forearm.

renjun would have hissed at the sting but. he should have. but he smiled as donghyuk grabbed the cuts pressing them open again. blood slowly trickled down renjun's arm to his elbow.

"that's the smile i like to see,"donghyuk said as he pulled renjun to the older's closet."come one pick out something nice,"he said before he left the room.

renjun grabbed a black hoodie with an anime scene on it. he pulled a pair of black jeans onto his small legs and looked through his faces.

he pulled out a smile and turned away from the mirror. he left the room and met everyone in the kitchen. they were all eating, chatting loudly with one another.

he sat down next to jeno and rested his head on the younger's shoulder. he got no more than an hour of sleep in the last few days and no matter what he does, he can't sleep.

"wake up hyung,"jisung said happily bouncing behind renjun. his smile made renjun sad. it was so bright. so innocent. why can't he feel like that. as he looked at the younger he felt jealous.

jealous of the happiness the younger radiated. jealous of the smile he held. it was so bright, it hurt him. why did he feel angry because of that smile?

a smile forced it's way out. he was still human. he had emotions. emotions bottled up in his chest.

he could scream, he could cry out in pain but nothing was wrong with him. he had no reason to be sad. he had a good life. right?

scream his anger into a jar. pour his pain down the drain. have his tears socked up by his sweatshirt. burn his feelings to ash. turn his blood into paint. empty his body and see the envy. stare at the sky and fly to the moon. it's alright. it's alright. it's alright?

they left the house, walking to the cars and they split into two groups. renjun sat in the back of one with jisung while chenle sat in front with donghyuk while mark, jeno, and jaemin sat in another.

they left for the company and renjun left happy in the car, he felt content with his friends around him. donghyuk's large radiating smile warmed his chest. feeling blossomed into beautiful flowers.

renjun has read stories about hanahaki, it's fictional but he believes he would develop it if it were real. flowers growing, thorns borning their way into his lungs, throat, everywhere while beautiful sunflowers grew.

they would be small, yet as beautiful as the person they were for. why couldn't it be real? he knew the pain he felt was real. yellow as the sun. green vines would wrap their way around his fragile lungs and thorns push into his heart as he took his last breath.

he did truly wish it were real. he would suffocate for the one he loved. his best friends unknowing about everything happening to him.

they got to the company and they all moved slowly to the main practice room. they moved inside setting their bags down on the side and got ready.

they did laps around the room and stretched before they started practice. for hours they went over moves and routines. they moved onto vocal training and then they had a short lunch break.

everyone walked out, mark going to visit the older members while they practiced and everyone else going to eat.

renjun laid against the mirror and felt sleep pulling darkness over him. his vision fading and his harsh breath retiring for soft breaths and slowing heartbeat.

he hurt. his heart squealed in desperate want of stopping. his lungs burned with the want to collapse. his arms to stop being torn into. his legs to never walk again. his head to never feel the throbbing pain of sleep. his stomach to never consume substance again.

pain. the pain was his life now. mental and physical. renjun's blood slowed in his veins and his heads constant pounding seemed to vanish.

all was interrupted by mark, who came back from visiting the hyungs. his gentle touch on renjun's shoulder made the younger jump.

his heart sped up, breathing hardened, lungs working harder. he panicked. mark hugged him. renjun calmed as he recognized mark's scent.

his body went limp in the older's arms. he coiled around him, the two sat in the room. complete silence. renjun's head resting in mark's chest. mark hugged renjun.

he could feel the pain he had been in. he knew he was in pain. he knew everything renjun thought he didn't. mark had noticed the small changes, the small actions, the small things.

how renjun would look up during practice and repeatedly blink. he wasn't blinking away a fallen eyelash but chasing away tears. small drops of crimson on the counter could be found sometimes after renjun left.

mark did think anyone else knew. he underestimated lee donghyuk though. he was truly the first to notice the shift in renjun. of course, why wouldn't he though? renjun was the boy he loved most after all.

he noticed how renjun seemed to never eat, and how during the weigh-ins he had gone down almost 10 pounds since the previous one. he didn't know about the blood or the cuts, but he had his own knowings.

renjun shook in mark's hold. he was torn into pieces. he couldn't stand the pain. he wanted it to go away.

mark held him, tight, he refused to let go, as if renjun would drift off like spiderman had. he didn't want that to happen. so he held on.

mark was determined to keep everyone together. no matter what. he would pull them through floods, thunderstorms, tornadoes, illness, everything.

renjun calmed and went limp in mark's arm. mark sat against the mirror while renjun wrapped his slim arms around the older's waist.

* * *

renjun laid in his bed. he stared at the ceiling fan and felt a heavyweight push down on his heart. he could feel it beating in his throat. he could feel his lungs expanding and contracting.

the door pushed open and mark walked into the room. they shared it and renjun hates the glances mark sends to him. why?

renjun stood up. mark looked at him as he pulled another sweatshirt on and walked to the door.

"i'll be back in 15 minutes 30 minutes at the most,"he said before leaving the dorm. he walked past the tall buildings and made it to a park. he walked past the cherry blossom trees and the lampposts.

he walked to the bridge. he sat on the ledge, looking down at the sparkle of the water. the moon shown down on the small creek making it twinkle like magic.

he looked out past it at the large silver moon. he saw the man looking down at him. he smiled as the wind rushed past him. cold air all around him, making his face cold, numb. he looked at the stars and screamed.

screamed into the black of night all his feelings rushing through his body. would it cure him, screaming into the night. no. but it helped.

he fell silent and looked back at the moon. his silver friend in the sky. he reached out to touch the large orb but his hand was nowhere close.

he turned and jumped off. he landed on the pavement and walked back to the dorm. he walked inside and walked back into his room. mark still up, waiting for him. renjun wondered, did he hurt mark?

he pulled his second sweatshirt off and pulled his pants off. he grabbed a pair of soft cotton shorts and slipped into them before he walked over to mark and layed next to the older.

he moved over mark so he was next to the wall and then laid his head on mark's chest and wrapped his arms around the older. mark sighed as renjun closed his eyes sleeping almost all night.

* * *

renjun stayed home while the others went to visit the older members. he slipped into the bathroom and turned the shower on.

he sat on the toilet lid as he removed his sweater. he took his razor and cut into himself for the first time in a week.

the room steamed up quickly and as he stepped into the shower, his skin blistered at the heat and turned red. his forearms stung as the cuts were still open.

he cleaned himself and the cuts before getting out. he wrapped his wrists with bandages and pulled a black sweater over his head.

he walked out into the hall and felt a heaviness on his chest again. he looked around and guilt clouded his mind. mark wouldn't want him to cut, hyuk wouldn't want him to cut, none of the guys would want him to cut.

his eyes became clouded by tears, he tried to wipe them away but they refused to stop flowing. he walked to his room sitting down criss-cross on his bed. he grabbed mark's guitar, finding one of his favorite songs and played it.

he was still teary-eyed when he grabbed his phone, pulled his sweater hood over his head and started to film himself singing along with falling by harry styles. he played the music for it as well.

you could almost hear the hurt in his voice. the pain dripping.

"what am i now?"

"what am i now?"

"what if i'm someone i don't want around?"

"i'm falling again, i'm falling again, i'm falling."

he started crying halfway through the song, hiding it the best he could. he finished the video, looking it over before posting it. he posted the snip where he was crying.

the post was immediately flooded with pleas for a full version. people asking if he was crying. and that one emoji with the big eyes that twinkled.

he decided to do a live on the v-app, with the same set up as the video, he sang. he sang mostly harry styles songs crying during most of them, trying to cover it up with guitar breaks. he also sang requests and others just because he liked the songs.

he saw a notification pop up on his phone from the messaging app. he ended the live with a small wave before turning it off. he grabbed his phone and looked at the message. it was from johnny. he said the video of him singing was beautiful, even though he cried.

he got another about his live and how he moved some of the older members to tears. fans started to post clips from the live and point of the tears that landed on the guitar. the pain they could hear in his voice.

a hashtag spread like a wildfire, because that what k-pop fans do best, trend hashtags. he saw articles appear about his 'heartfelt singing, that gave away emotions, and that serenaded most fans to tears'

he felt another pang. he wiped the tears and set mark's guitar back. he laid in the older's bed, in the silent dorm as he waited for the others to return home.

so much crying made him even more tired than he already was and he couldn't stand the pressure on his ears. pangs of pain splintered in his heart and he tried to brush it all away but it just created more pain.

with renjun sobbing into one of mark's many pillows he didn't hear the front door open. he didn't hear his bedroom door open. but he felt the many hugs he got. he turned and looked through blurry eyes and saw mark and donghyuk standing there, their own tears slipping down their cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pt. 1 complete, edited(mostly), pls comment


End file.
